Mid-life women no longer have upper arms; we have wingspans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts; we are flying squirrels in drag. 

Mid-life has hit when you stand naked in front of the mirror and can see your rear end without turning around. 

Mid-life is when you realize that if you were a dog, you would need a control-top flea collar. 

Mid-life is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old that you have to pay someone to look at you naked. 

You know you are getting old when you go for a mammogram and know it is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless in a film. 

Mid-life brings the wisdom that life throws you curves and that you're now sitting on your biggest ones. 

Mid-life can bring out your angry, bitter side. You look at your latte-swilling, beeper-wearing, know-it-all offspring and think, "For this I have stretch marks?" 

Mid-life is when your memory really starts to go: the only thing you still retain is water. 

The good news about mid-life is the glass is still half full. Of course, the bad news is that it won't be long before your teeth are floating in it.